1. Find apartment
2. Find job
3. Watch more 30 Rock
I look at that list and I'm alarmed at my out of whack priorities. 30 Rock should always be at the top. I suppose my roomie-to-be will be sort of bummed if September rolls around and we're living out of our cars. But my Netflix account! I will say. At least we still have Netflix! And then I will warm my hands over a barrel fire.
I keep going back and forth between feeling totally frantic and totally calm. There's a fine line between the two, you know. Sometimes I have a hard time deciphering which is which, but I guess you'll have that when much of your day is dictated by which season of Boy Meets World is playing on MTV2. (Prime BMW years are playing right now, by the way. Don't miss out, this is great stuff.) When items one and two on the above list are taken care of, I will absolutely be feeling a lot more calm than frantic, but for now I have to face my neuroses head on like a big girl. That's what adults do, right? Mom? You want to field this one? The good news is that all this 30 Rock watching has tricked me into thinking I am Liz Lemon, so even when I'm not writing a TV show this coming year, respect that I am doing so in my head. Tina Fey is my spirit animal.
The truth of the matter is that finances and shelter are not my biggest concerns. I mean, they're primary, yeah, but not big. I think if you picture it, that statement makes sense. It makes sense to me. Anyway, I'm concerned about my clothes, which is totally lame, but it's also totally true. I get it. I'm not "fashion forward." I don't have a "haircut." I buy my jeans at "the mall." I'm historically mopey about this issue, actually. I don't ever do anything about the issue but I am a damn good moper so I like to stick with things I'm good at.
TIME. OUT.
Top 3 Favorite Criticisms of Katie's Fashion Said By Men Who, The More I Think About It, Really Could Be The Jack Donaghy To My Liz Lemon:
1. High School: "You're not bad looking....I just think you should ask [her] how to be pretty."
2. College, Year 2: "Why Katie! You're looking surprisingly un-dumpy today!"
3. College, Year 4: (Said to my very fashionable and new at the time boyfriend.) "This is perfect...now someone can teach her how to dress."
Might as well throw in a "Your face is kind of nice when it doesn't look like that" and we've got ourselves a sitcom!
#blessed #friendship #confidence
(Time out to the time out: Know that the top three are actually three of my best friends so I probably retorted with a "fuck you" or something super mature. And then I burned whatever I was wearing and wrote about it in my diary.)
So now I am moving to Chicago, the Akron of the deeper midwest, and I'm like Wait a minute. I'm not any of these adjectives that are used to describe my potential neighborhoods! Maybe "artsy" on a good day but that's it! Naturally I began to think of all the ways I would not aesthetically fit in, and I had this flashback to a dance I went to in 10th grade when all the girls wore mini dresses and I had on a lavender floor length ball gown. It had taffeta and rhinestones and please believe me when I say it made sense at the time. I also watched a girl drink a Gatorade bottle full of tobacco spit at that dance. Truly, the stars had all aligned. It's hard to buy what you think is right and then it's just not because it takes until the event itself (the dance, the move to a new city) to realize that you've made a horrible mistake. And that's when you hone your sense of humor and get voted Best Personality in your high school class. Or whatever, that's just a guess.
I started compiling a list of fashion must-haves; items that will convince the general public that I'm not a total moron. But I never actually finished the list because I didn't know what would go on such a list and the more I thought about the list the more I realized that I didn't really care about it in the first place and I was just looking for an excuse to write stuff down. I think the only item I had was "Shoes?" because I thought that sounded practical. But as I sit here resigned to the fact that I won't be making any major wardrobe changes, I ask myself: What would Liz Lemon wear? How would the alternate persona of my spirit animal (but, really, kind of the same persona) react to this change of both scenery and costume? I think she would eat a hot dog, be hilarious, and show just enough cleavage to make it interesting. As I say often, we heavy browed women need to stick together--the power is in our eyebrows.
(Note: Do you have any idea how many women have approached me and said "You know, I really respect your decision to keep your eyebrows thick"? A lot of them. So much respect, everybody.)
I will, however, cave for one fashion essential. I'm going to buy a lot of scarves and I'm just going to scarf it up all the time. Because nobody really questions what you're wearing as long as you have a scarf. What's that? Why yes I am wearing a Prom 2008 t-shirt! Doesn't it look so vintage with this fashion scarf draped over it? I know for a fact I've gone to fairly nice restaurants in a pitted out white v-neck but because I wrapped a scarf around my neck twice, I was ready for a night on the town. Scarves. Seriously, everybody. They are the true chameleons in this world. Also, I sometimes drop stuff in them and digging out earrings and pretzels at the end of the day is really nice.
Eyebrows. Scarves. Tina Fey. Ladies, if you have all these things, life can never disappoint you.
And bros, I don't know what to tell you. Like, go read a book, I guess. But you are also invited to keep your eyebrows thick and your scarves glorious.
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